went to new restaurant
wasn't afraid to ask them what to do in there since it was a weird setup
didn't get denied on that friend request
wasn't afraid to wear my hat around
apparently got put in charge of homecoming for 2016 class?
My blog. Just writin' about stuff since... why not?
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Saturday, August 27, 2016
5 things 8/27
guess I'm starting this again
1. asked the Lids guy where the sale was
2. didn't feel weird asking for 5 tacos
3. BK liked my link and sent it to other people
4. didn't get upset when got ass dumped
5. reacted coherently w/ joke when champs lady almost maimed me
1. asked the Lids guy where the sale was
2. didn't feel weird asking for 5 tacos
3. BK liked my link and sent it to other people
4. didn't get upset when got ass dumped
5. reacted coherently w/ joke when champs lady almost maimed me
Friday, April 29, 2016
Being Lonely When You're Not Alone
Business school is coming to an end with graduation on May 7th and then actual work in Madison starts on July 5 (the day after Independence Day. How fitting). And I think I've had a good time here and tried to accomplish one of the main things I came to business school to accomplish that I couldn't and didn't really do in law school. But at the same time, even with being around the best friends I've ever had, I still feel lonely a lot.
I feel like people equate being lonely with being alone, and I'm sure to some extent and for some people that's true, but it hasn't been my experience, really. When I had a girlfriend my first two years of law school who wasn't around much while I just studied all day err day for my 1L and 2L meat grinder classes, I never really felt lonely. Sure, I missed her and wished I could be doing other things, but I wouldn't say I was lonely even though I was alone. I knew I'd see her eventually and that one day I'd be done with law school and would be able to do other things.
In business school, especially this year, I haven't really been alone at all, but I've felt really lonely for a lot of the year. First year, I was really happy to start since I hadn't ever really had too many friends before and I was so excited to talk to new people all the time and do new things that I missed out on that all the time by myself was just to recharge. After *it* happened with my now-ex-girlfriend just after Halloween 2014, things changed as I pretty much got hip checked back into reality or out of it depending on your perspective and started to feel like I was on my own again completely and I was different, even though objectively and to most people it wouldn't seem like it.
I felt included, though, that year being in the cool Facebook chat and getting exclusive invites to things and making friends with people from other programs moreso than other, more socially advanced people in my class. I didn't really get anything out of it except set up two of my friends, but I figured if I kept trying, something would go better for me there on that front.
Second half of first year, I was pretty preoccupied with getting left out of GAP at school, so that consumed a lot of my time, even when I stopped trying to fight it publicly with pretty much nobody taking my side (except the administration it turns out!), so I felt left out of that, but not socially, really, which is where the source of my lonely feelings generally come from.
Don't get me wrong; my feelings of being hopelessly alone, romantically at least, didn't go away during this time and probably only intensified while most people were gone during summer and most of my time was spent by myself on the weekends at home playing The Witcher 3 (totally worth it in retrospect). I complained a lot to my therapist about that but at least had my trip to look forward too across the US. And, really, when you're pretty much by yourself with no coworkers really, there's only so much headway you can make in either friend or relationship areas.
My trip to Chicago, Austin, LA, San Francisco, Portland and Seattle really seemed to help me. I went from wondering if I would make friends in those places to wondering how many I'd make. I almost got beat up by an Australian in San Fran and met a friendly hypnotist in Seattle and had an entire crew in Austin, but once I got back to Columbus, things weren't really different after a few weeks. Sure, I could go up and talk to anyone in bars now, but it bore exactly 0 fruit over the entire year.
That's probably more because I wasn't confident enough to know what to say and would chicken out or freeze despite excelling at the hardest part. It's weird. Anyway, I'm trying to work on that, but business school stunted me there, I feel like.
The kinds of people attracted to business school, especially on the male side, are the Type A guys who fight for everything and don't give up and are confident in knowing they can and should have the job. So, naturally, personality wise, they tend to be more confident and get in front of everyone and are good at controlling rooms. And when they get together, they multiply. And when there are basically no single girls in the classes or that any of us know, any that did ever come out were basically attacked by the bros and people like me who are more passive pretty much didn't have a chance, at least in my view.
For example, if a girl comes out once, the guy who makes the first and most memorable impression probably has the best chance and then she's talking to him and I'm not gonna be a dick and try to take over or something, not that I could if I tried. Anyway, that's why I tried to make friends with people from other programs, but all that helped out was one or two other guys. I'm apparently a good wingman, but that's mostly because I'm not confident enough to put myself over or risk being hurt there.
I just feel like, even with the sea of people I've made friends with, there's only so much socially I could really grow here. There's a ceiling, kind of, for someone who's Type B and is more willing to help people with that kind of stuff and be friendly without overbearing and I'm easily walked all over by those guys willing to more easily take what they want.
Maybe these are excuses and they certainly are to some extent, but I try to convince myself of them since the alternative, at least in my black and white worldview I'm trying to work on fixing, is that I'm unlikeable and that can't really be fixed. So, I try to talk to new people from other programs and once I'm working I'll try to meet more people from more areas and more backgrounds.
When I was on a kickball team with strangers, there were people who were more laid back as they're generally the ones who have a hard time making friends in life outside of school, and I felt like there and on my trip, I probably grew more and became more comfortable with talking to random people or people I don't know very well.
Small talk is somewhere I certainly have to improve, since if I'm not talking to someone or about something I know particularly well, I tend to freeze and the conversation dies on the vine right there.
The issue, really, is that I have to believe in myself and be more confident in myself. I shouldn't feel defeated everytime someone challenges something I say. I shouldn't freeze preemptively and assume someone won't like me. I shouldn't feel I'm worse than someone for no apparent reason.
I should see myself who passed one of the hardest possible tests in America in the NY Bar. I have two advanced degrees now (assuming I didn't fail). I moved across the country by myself and wasn't scared at all. I've worked in the biggest city in the world. I make awesome chicken parm. I had a facebook post get 90 likes one time. I've played hockey with complete strangers, knowing nobody about a million times in multiple cities. I'm moving again to a city where I don't know anyone, which is a lot harder it turns out when you do have friends. I survived Newark for 3 years. I stood up for myself when I realized I didn't want to do law and left it. I got an entire program at grad school changed and made it so everyone can join. I have a Follies best picture win and put together a hell of a show this year (thanks Dean).
And there's lots more too. I've made friends with more people in other programs over the 2 years than anyone else in my class. I make friends with people right away and show them that I care even when I barely know them. I put together an entire senior week on my own. And there's lots more too.
Point of this whole thing being, I've felt lonely because I don't feel equal socially. As developed or on the same level, when I probably should. I can't fix that and it's not my fault. It is what it is. It's nobody else's fault and it's not mine. But I think I reached my social peak here for my personality and to not be lonely, I need to move on out of school.
I liked my time at Ohio State, but for myself I need to move on. And that's okay.
I feel like people equate being lonely with being alone, and I'm sure to some extent and for some people that's true, but it hasn't been my experience, really. When I had a girlfriend my first two years of law school who wasn't around much while I just studied all day err day for my 1L and 2L meat grinder classes, I never really felt lonely. Sure, I missed her and wished I could be doing other things, but I wouldn't say I was lonely even though I was alone. I knew I'd see her eventually and that one day I'd be done with law school and would be able to do other things.
In business school, especially this year, I haven't really been alone at all, but I've felt really lonely for a lot of the year. First year, I was really happy to start since I hadn't ever really had too many friends before and I was so excited to talk to new people all the time and do new things that I missed out on that all the time by myself was just to recharge. After *it* happened with my now-ex-girlfriend just after Halloween 2014, things changed as I pretty much got hip checked back into reality or out of it depending on your perspective and started to feel like I was on my own again completely and I was different, even though objectively and to most people it wouldn't seem like it.
I felt included, though, that year being in the cool Facebook chat and getting exclusive invites to things and making friends with people from other programs moreso than other, more socially advanced people in my class. I didn't really get anything out of it except set up two of my friends, but I figured if I kept trying, something would go better for me there on that front.
Second half of first year, I was pretty preoccupied with getting left out of GAP at school, so that consumed a lot of my time, even when I stopped trying to fight it publicly with pretty much nobody taking my side (except the administration it turns out!), so I felt left out of that, but not socially, really, which is where the source of my lonely feelings generally come from.
Don't get me wrong; my feelings of being hopelessly alone, romantically at least, didn't go away during this time and probably only intensified while most people were gone during summer and most of my time was spent by myself on the weekends at home playing The Witcher 3 (totally worth it in retrospect). I complained a lot to my therapist about that but at least had my trip to look forward too across the US. And, really, when you're pretty much by yourself with no coworkers really, there's only so much headway you can make in either friend or relationship areas.
My trip to Chicago, Austin, LA, San Francisco, Portland and Seattle really seemed to help me. I went from wondering if I would make friends in those places to wondering how many I'd make. I almost got beat up by an Australian in San Fran and met a friendly hypnotist in Seattle and had an entire crew in Austin, but once I got back to Columbus, things weren't really different after a few weeks. Sure, I could go up and talk to anyone in bars now, but it bore exactly 0 fruit over the entire year.
That's probably more because I wasn't confident enough to know what to say and would chicken out or freeze despite excelling at the hardest part. It's weird. Anyway, I'm trying to work on that, but business school stunted me there, I feel like.
The kinds of people attracted to business school, especially on the male side, are the Type A guys who fight for everything and don't give up and are confident in knowing they can and should have the job. So, naturally, personality wise, they tend to be more confident and get in front of everyone and are good at controlling rooms. And when they get together, they multiply. And when there are basically no single girls in the classes or that any of us know, any that did ever come out were basically attacked by the bros and people like me who are more passive pretty much didn't have a chance, at least in my view.
For example, if a girl comes out once, the guy who makes the first and most memorable impression probably has the best chance and then she's talking to him and I'm not gonna be a dick and try to take over or something, not that I could if I tried. Anyway, that's why I tried to make friends with people from other programs, but all that helped out was one or two other guys. I'm apparently a good wingman, but that's mostly because I'm not confident enough to put myself over or risk being hurt there.
I just feel like, even with the sea of people I've made friends with, there's only so much socially I could really grow here. There's a ceiling, kind of, for someone who's Type B and is more willing to help people with that kind of stuff and be friendly without overbearing and I'm easily walked all over by those guys willing to more easily take what they want.
Maybe these are excuses and they certainly are to some extent, but I try to convince myself of them since the alternative, at least in my black and white worldview I'm trying to work on fixing, is that I'm unlikeable and that can't really be fixed. So, I try to talk to new people from other programs and once I'm working I'll try to meet more people from more areas and more backgrounds.
When I was on a kickball team with strangers, there were people who were more laid back as they're generally the ones who have a hard time making friends in life outside of school, and I felt like there and on my trip, I probably grew more and became more comfortable with talking to random people or people I don't know very well.
Small talk is somewhere I certainly have to improve, since if I'm not talking to someone or about something I know particularly well, I tend to freeze and the conversation dies on the vine right there.
The issue, really, is that I have to believe in myself and be more confident in myself. I shouldn't feel defeated everytime someone challenges something I say. I shouldn't freeze preemptively and assume someone won't like me. I shouldn't feel I'm worse than someone for no apparent reason.
I should see myself who passed one of the hardest possible tests in America in the NY Bar. I have two advanced degrees now (assuming I didn't fail). I moved across the country by myself and wasn't scared at all. I've worked in the biggest city in the world. I make awesome chicken parm. I had a facebook post get 90 likes one time. I've played hockey with complete strangers, knowing nobody about a million times in multiple cities. I'm moving again to a city where I don't know anyone, which is a lot harder it turns out when you do have friends. I survived Newark for 3 years. I stood up for myself when I realized I didn't want to do law and left it. I got an entire program at grad school changed and made it so everyone can join. I have a Follies best picture win and put together a hell of a show this year (thanks Dean).
And there's lots more too. I've made friends with more people in other programs over the 2 years than anyone else in my class. I make friends with people right away and show them that I care even when I barely know them. I put together an entire senior week on my own. And there's lots more too.
Point of this whole thing being, I've felt lonely because I don't feel equal socially. As developed or on the same level, when I probably should. I can't fix that and it's not my fault. It is what it is. It's nobody else's fault and it's not mine. But I think I reached my social peak here for my personality and to not be lonely, I need to move on out of school.
I liked my time at Ohio State, but for myself I need to move on. And that's okay.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Days 13-15: San Francisco
I very much have enjoyed San Francisco, though for entirely different reasons. San Francisco was an awesome place to visit, with a lot of modern downtown stuff, corporate feeling areas, touristy stuff and still independent mom & pop places. Portland, on the other hand, is what Brooklyn wishes it could be if there weren't Manhattan corporate influences coming in. There's not a lot of touristy stuff, but it seems like a fantastic place to be.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Days 7-12: Mostly Los Angeles. Mostly.
I've been feeling lazy and didn't feel like writing despite the fact that LA was basically a trip to the Jersey Shore where you don't do anything but read all day. But somehow I survived.
Monday, August 3, 2015
The Definitive Timeline of Australians Getting Thrown Out at 3am
After going to Rainey Street with pretty much the only remaining parts of my Austin hostel crew last night and talking to them about the big hostel scandal of the three Australian girls getting thrown out on the street at 3am and escorted out by police, I think I can now piece together a definitive timeline of everything that happened.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Traveling Across the US: Days 4, 5 & 6: Austin
Austin, Texas is a very hot place. It takes maximum effort to walk about a quarter of a mile and not drop dead dying. I probably wouldn't feel safe going a mile without Gatorade or water or something like that.
Texas State Capitol
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